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| Week 4: Lancaster's Locks |
| Jimmy Lancaster |
| September 28, 2007 |
Lancaster Week Four: Martini vs. Tequila
For the first three weeks of the season, I mused over writing appropriate journalism to model for the students in my writing classes. But today, the Lancaster is uprooted from conventionality and finds the fury of his pen burning like the rivalry between Bear Grille and Les Stroud (Man vs. Wild and Survivorman).*
For years I chose tequila with my football, even immersing myself in the urban gringo legend of eating the worm in favor of some Jim Morrison-peyote experience. But I have also experimented with the Good Old American Martini, as Robert Hyde (or Bruce Dern), star of multiple-Grammy winner Coming Home, once called it. While the right tequila, out neath the Western skies certainly brings out an uncommon buzz, a traditional Martini may be just as effective. The question here, for our purposes, is, under which buzz will your drunken weekend night fantasy football lineup decisions prosper best?
Scenario 1:
Tequila Blanco: In week one the Lancaster gets lit up on Patron; 6 shots, after two margaritas. He starts the Bears defense, which performed quite respectably, instead of the Vikings, yet the latter outscores them threefold. Advantage: Martini.
Scenario 2:
Martini, Extra Dry, 4 olives. In week two the Lancaster settles from the long week with a martini, using Seagrams Distillers Reserve, and starts Cadillac Williams despite all the hype that his ribs are bad. The Cadillac scores twice and the Lancaster ends up with the second highest score of the week. Advantage: Martini.
Scenario 3:
Aquascalientes, an anejo with the agave leaf, rather than the worm, at the bottom of the bottle. The Lancaster, under heavy influence from tequila night visions, conflicts with his preseason decision to start the Bears D every week no matter what, and goes with Minnesota. Subsequently, the Vikes are respectable against the Chiefs and the Bears lose 4 starters and get lit up by Dallas. Advantage: Tequila.
Scenario 4:
Martini, dirty, six olives, non-martini glass, Cuban cigar from Guatemala, one night after watching Andy Garcias excellent portrayal of the Cuban revolutions in Lost City. Lancaster decides he wants to pull a trade
We will examine the ramifications of this intoxicated decision next week
Minnesota +2 vs. Green Bay. Minnesota goes into a BYE week having lost two close ones in tough situations, both home openers. Green Bay is now hyped up and sure Favre will break the record, but Minnesota is the better team; their secondary should stifle him into at least one pick.
Cleveland +4.5 vs. Baltimore. The Browns go to New England next week in a match-up of Romeo against his former mentor, so they should be on their best behavior against a Baltimore team without two of its underrated studs on defense (Rolle and Pryce). Braylon Edwards is my fantasy pick of the week against Corey Ivy, who is sort of plump and doesnt have the speed to keep up with him. Think back to when the Rams were really hurting at CB last year and how they only started Ivy by default; hes quite overrated.
Jets -3.5 (buying a whole point) and Over 37. The Bills have safeties like Josh Stamer and Coy Wire playing linebacker. Wire is out, Posluszny, a starting rookie from Penn State, is also out, and they have to count on the undersized Stamer and J. DiGiorgio from Saginaw Valley State, which is obviously the epicenter of DI talent. At least Mario Haggan had 22 tackles in 2005. Didnt Lance Briggs have that in like one week recently? The Jets, especially if Brandon Moore is able to go and they dont have to rely on the inexperienced Wade Smith, should run all over them. Start Thomas Jones, please.
Arizona +6. In the trenches, Pitt center Mahan should play, but his hurting sprained knee should limit his speed and keep things open for a young rising playmaker in Darnell Dockett. Also, if Darnell Stapleton has to play, the rookie from Rutgers who had high expectations and crashed at the end of camp will not have the game speed either. On the other side, B. Keisel, who only had 5.5 sacks last year and is really a role playing DE for Pitt, shouldnt really hurt the inexperienced Elton Brown if legit rookie Levi Brown cant go. I like Arizona at home to keep it within a score, so Ill buy a point here as well.
Last Week: 3-2
Season: 8-6-1
Last Weeks Fantasy Sleeper: Vincent Jackson had 6 catches for 98 yards and a TD.
* My vote and loyalty goes to Bear.
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